Miss America pageant returns

Miss+Arkansa+Savvy+Shields%2C+is+congratulated+by+Miss+Maryland+Hannah+Brewer%2C+center%2C+and+Miss+Texas++Caroline+Carothers%2C+after+being+named+Miss+America+2017%2C+Sunday%2C+Sept.+11%2C+2016%2C+in+Atlantic+City%2C+N.J.+%28ANSA%2FAP+Photo%2FNoah+K.+Murray%29

Photo courtesy of Noah K. Murray

Miss Arkansa Savvy Shields, is congratulated by Miss Maryland Hannah Brewer, center, and Miss Texas Caroline Carothers, after being named Miss America 2017, Sunday, Sept. 11, 2016, in Atlantic City, N.J. (ANSA/AP Photo/Noah K. Murray)

The Plastics are back.

Writing this last review of the Miss America pageant should be sentimental or at least somewhat upsetting to me, but all I can think is: Thank God.

It’s like watching the same pageant…every…single…year. (I’ve written about this three times.) And the Miss America board doesn’t even realize how idiotic they make their contestants look. If you know they can’t dance, then why would you do make them dance in high heels in front of the whole country? And yes I’m talking about you, Miss Montana. Just keep swaying side to side like a hammock, you’ll get it one day.

Also, there’s a Miss North Dakota? Go figure. What happens if they can’t find a contestant to compete? Would they have to send in the prettiest raccoon or something?

But, anyways, this year’s competition continued like usual with intros, the hosts saying something meaningless and unmemorable, and then the bringing out of the star judges. This is always my favorite part because these “judges” know absolutely nothing about beauty pageants. I didn’t know Gabby Douglas got a gold medal in gymnastics and in pageant hair. Mark Cuban didn’t know what was happening at anytime in the pageant.

So, the competition has four main categories: swimsuit, ballgown, talent, and the questioning. Last year, the swimsuit competition was said to be looking at a girl’s confidence, but now this year they were inspecting how physically fit the girls were. I might be a bit slow but how in the world are they judging the fitness ratio of the competitors? Yes, you look like you have the right amount of muscle to mass.

Also, throughout the show they liked to ask the contestants how they felt and all that jazz. Miss Texas claimed that women have came such a long way, that now we can vote for the next Miss America. Yes, we are quite proud of this achievement.

Miss Louisiana went as far as to say that all of them were like ‘Miss America sisters.’ Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s more like Mean Girls backstage, but hey, what do I know.

But the best quote of the night has to go to Miss South Carolina, who said she promotes modesty. Oh, it gets better; she said girls don’t have to be sexy to be beautiful.  Hypocrite of the year, hands down.

The expensive ball gowns came and went, as did the mind-numbing talent competition.  But not to worry: the Q&A portion did perk me up. When I said the judges were my favorite part, I lied. This was my favorite part because the Miss America board tries to make these girls sound like upstanding citizens who know all about worldly issues, but then they appear to censor whatever the contenders say. Miss Maryland had to say she thought Clinton and Trump were trying to make the United States a better place. My deepest sympathies go out to her.

That is all I have to say and that’s all I ever want to report about the Miss America competition. Sorry readers, a.k.a. family and best friends, you’ll have to catch next year’s review somewhere else.