A hearse is, without question, the best car that any person can have the pleasure of owning. I, myself, fantasize not about purchasing a Lamborghini Fettuccini or Mustang GRTGTR or whatever, but that I might one day have a hearse of my own.

When one sees past the cultural stigma surrounding the hearse as some sort of gloomy trip hauling the body between the church and the cemetery, all of the practical applications for owning one become astoundingly clear.

It is simply ridiculous that we allow these amazingly versatile and valuable machines to be used by those who do not need them at all: the dead.

First and foremost is, obviously, the trunk. Now, I will offer the singular concession that some individuals may find it “creepy.” I know this from experience since almost every girl I try to pick up tells me so.

However, the back of a hearse is an amazingly spacious, cozy and comfortable compartment. Not only does it clearly have more storage space than any ordinary sedan, but the body itself is designed to carry loads in excess of 500 pounds, and all of this is in the body of a compact car.

This trunk is also perfect for sleeping in. Normally it is seen as degrading to sleep in your car because it is impractical and uncomfortable, but a hearse is specifically designed to facilitate a person, and the trunk can easily be set up with a mattress and proper bedding. It is literally a bedroom on wheels. With this mobile abode, you will save thousands on hotels, and you can properly entertain ladies in your car, even though all the ones I’ve had really objected to the whole “dead people” thing.

If they would simply get in the car and forget about the dead people for a minute, they would realize that a hearse is the ultimate luxury car. Not only does it come with a smooth, black top finish, but the suspension is designed to accommodate the passengers with an amazingly smooth ride. If you’re like me, you’re probably wondering why the living aren’t all driving these cars, and instead hauling the dead away in converted trucks or something.

While I have mentioned that hearses carry with them a solemn or grim mood, the social implications of owning a hearse can actually be enormously beneficial to the educated driver.

We have already established that you will be saving thousands on hotel bills, but this wonder of modern mortuary technology can save you money in other ways.

Upon purchase of a hearse, you may find that your neighbors, if they are nice neighbors, have begun bringing you a cornucopia of casseroles. When people see the hearse in your driveway, at least initially, they will believe you are experiencing a great loss, and may attempt to do the neighborly thing of bringing you delicious food to drown away your sorrows. After you keep the hearse for a while, people will assume that you are so grief stricken that you bought it because you miss whoever supposedly died, and will offer you more free stuff.

The third and final benefit to owning a mortician’s machine is how the police will respond to you. When a policeman sees a hearse screaming down the highway at 90 miles an hour, he will be less inclined to react because he will believe that not only is it being driven by a professional driver, but also that you clearly deserve to be in a hurry, because the only reason a hearse would be speeding is if it had a body in the trunk and they need to get the body to the grave before it went bad.

There is also another benefit that ties on to this, but I must first say that I do not condone this in any way and it should never be attempted by anyone. But if for some reason “a friend” just happens to accidentally “off” someone, and does not want to suffer the consequences, the body can be placed in a makeshift casket inside the hearse. Even if you are pulled over by police, they would never demand to so disrespectfully open up a casket carried by a hearse, and for that matter, hearses are meant to carry bodies, so nothing would seem out of place if they found one.

Again, I must say that neither The Oracle nor Fairfax County Public Schools condones these actions, but I am simply saying that they are possible, and one of the many benefits to owning such an amazing piece of technology.

I believe the hearse is a must-have for anyone interested in the ultimate driving machine, and if I die, rest assured that my corpse is going to enjoy the ride.