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As a special thank you to these people, I have decided to provide them with an extra challenge this week. The paragraph  above has nearly every word misspelled, but is still perfectly readable thanks to the human brain’s ability to recognize entire words rather than simply reading letters.

Now, to the people who point out our mistakes, I must first say this: no one appreciates you… in the way that they ought to. Sitting there with a pen over the newspaper correcting every comma splice and typo your eagle eyes can spot, were it not for you, people might actually pay attention to our articles. And as everyone knows, if the slightest error can be found in our work, it must be immediately torched and burned before another person can read it, just like on the SATs—yes, freshmen, it’s true.

I must say that we here at The Oracle feel unworthy of the attention you gather to scrutinize our paper. We feel guilty that such amazing editing talents such as yourselves are wasted correcting The Oracle after it has been published, but what choice do you all have? It’s not like you could help correct the Oracle before it’s published—no no, we understand how editing 16 pages of 9.5 font newsprint for three hours after school can be extensively grueling, and so why would you bother to task yourself with creating something with your editing skills rather than simply diminish the works of others?

That is why our proud editors in the audience should take their talent to where they are needed most: the phonebook. With your keen sense of self righteousness in editing publications, we feel like the White Pages are in way worse shape than us. Do you know how many people die in this area every day? Thousands. So every day, I challenge you audience editors, rather than correcting the lowly Oracle, to read the obituaries and go through the phone book eliminating the people who’ve died. You will be performing an invaluable service to society. We here at The Oracle firmly believe that people editing our paper are one step below updating the phonebook with the obituary page, and since we love our audience editors so much, we suggest you go take a look at the White Pages.

Now, we also want to provide for our the people who could write better articles. Those who sit there and smugly confirm in their heads how they are finer literary minds than Lisa Williams, Julie Parisi, Thomas Ariale and Kelly Carlin. They think themselves a bit of a “Good Will Hunting” type character and take pride out of how privately smart they are. And so we would like to give something back. The editors at The Oracle, along with all of our staff, will be going over everyone’s English essays from now on. To pass on the same level of maturity that you demonstrate to us, we will mark every typo on your papers in red ink and then remark on how you should have caught that and it shows how incompetent you are.

In conclusion, we think of the students who edit The Oracle in class as the top of the food chain. Well, that’s not right, because really these students take on any kind of grammatical challenge, correcting road signs, elementary school talent shows, and texting lingo. So you guys are more like the decomposers, because you pick away at the remains of once great things and reduce them to sludge. We here at The Oracle are the producers, generating new material out of nothing on a regular basis, but you decomposers, you take what we excrete, and eat it and break it down into little tiny pieces and enjoy yourselves the entire time. Like the bacteria found on all dead animals, you truly are the end of the food chain and we want to commend you on that.

As a special treat, we would like there to be more openness with the students and the paper, particularly in regard to our editing errors and poor writing. If you have any questions, comments, criticisms or grievances, please send your detailed complaints to [email protected].

Thank you, and we love you.