Reprehensible floozy must be punished for her sins

Life is wrought with tragedies. Tragedies which fade as quickly as they began, like roses withered by flame. But July 26, 2012 will never be forgotten. It was the day that love died.

When one thinks of “love,” one image is sure to come to mind – that of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart (henceforth referred to by their more common colloquial nomenclature, RPatz and KStew), the greatest celebrity power couple since Bogart and Bacall.  A romance unfettered by the bounds of society- nay, the bounds of the heart. A simple locking of the pair’s trembling lips, as depicted in the critically beloved “Twilight” franchise, has the power to mend the broken, to incite the thralls of puberty in discerning adolescents across the nation.

Their place on our collective cultural pedestal is well-deserved; is this not life? Is this not love? A sparkling, hundred year-old virgin holding an insecure teenager defined solely by her own dullness in his arms? Together, RPatz and KStew were a symbol nearly as influential as the eminently likeable characters they so memorably portrayed. They inspired a million dreams, and served as the foundation for just as many woefully misguided expectations of love.

That foundation crumbled to the ground on July 26, when a press release sent out by KStew confirmed a rumor that had been spreading like cancer through marrow, slowly devouring the very basis of our lives. The day before, Us Magazine had released pictures allegedly depicting KStew engaging in appalling unnatural relations with “Snow White and the Huntsman” director Rupert Sanders – himself married with two children. The world’s heart was broken. But perhaps, it proceeded to ask, perhaps not irreparably? These silly rumors happen all the time! It’s just typical tabloid alarmism! But alas, to the soul-crushing dismay of dreamers the world over, KStew confessed – a rare move for a cheating floozy.

“I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry,” Stewart said.

But it was too little, too late. When attempting to describe the public’s reaction to news of the seedy affair, the possibilities for literary allusions abound: “The Scarlet Letter?” The angry mob from “Frankenstein?” In short, torches were lit, and the hunt was on – a desperate mission to catch this common charlatan, this uncouth cesspool of immorality, who betrayed her boyfriend’s trust, but more importantly, our trust.

She committed an act so vile, it almost never occurs in everyday life, for people are above it, are they not? Men don’t cheat on their wives; wives don’t cheat on their husbands. Forgiveness is not an option for so outlandish a crime. The word itself must be written in italics, denoting the circumspect whisper which makes up the only manner in which it may be uttered in a school environment: infidelity.

KStew’s name was removed from posters and trailers for her upcoming film, “On the Road.” Her presence in “Snow White” was severely downplayed in the marketing for its DVD release. It’s easy to blame these bits of ethical silliness on the studios, but in all fairness, it was a rather astute reaction to the public’s quickly shifting perception of KStew – after all, this woman cheated on her partner! Why on Earth would anyone see a film starring her? Shame, shame, shame. A friend of KStew is an enemy of love, of modesty and wholesomeness. She upset the moral equilibrium, she exposed the grimy truth of human nature. She must be buried. She must be punished.

Love now lies in ashes, wet with the tears of the true. Perhaps love will be like a phoenix. Perhaps it will be reborn from its own remains, brighter and stronger than ever, irrepressible and new. Or perhaps this is the end. Perhaps life goes on. Humanity used to have a heart. But Kristen Stewart broke it. Now we have naught but dreams. Dreams of simpler times, when unwittingly creepy abstinence parables rang with purity and truth. Those days are a long time gone.