Welcome to “The Radish,” The Oracle’s regular stab at satire.
Struggling to exit his car with a pair of unwieldy crutches, senior Brian Brianson parked in a handicapped spot.
“I tore my ACL,” said Brianson, limping along the sidewalk. “I get handicapped parking. It’s really great.”
Junior Sally Sallyton informed sources that her sprained left ankle had also won her a parking space.
“I heard the other kids have to park on Rolling or miles away on Hillside. Wouldn’t want to be them!” said Sallyton, hobbling with difficulty to her next class.
Senior Charles Charleston recently showed up to school sporting a broken left big toe.
“I heard if you’re handicapped, you get a parking spot, so I just got a couple of my buddies to stomp on my foot really hard,” said Charleston, who was apparently unbothered when told that he would have to sit out the rest of the Varsity football season.
Some unfortunate cases, however, suggest that the convenient trick does not always work according to plan.
Julia Jackson, straining to talk through a split lip and several missing teeth, reported that she had gotten her friends to push her down the stairs.
“I accidentally broke my collarbone instead of my left foot,” said Jackson, trying to shake her head in disbelief but ending up cracking something in her neck instead.
Junior Nick Nichols’s attempt at self-mutilation caused deeper complications than anticipated.
“The teachers and administrators don’t even have to break their limbs to get free parking!” said Nichols.
Nichols, who had already caught pneumonia as a result of exposure to the chilling environment of the trailer classrooms, blamed administrators for his pitiful state.
“Putting us in these negative 45-degree trailers, not being late to every class because the walk from Sparta takes ten minutes, no permanent knee damage from purposeful dislocation…Must be nice,” said Nichols.
Senior Andrew Allen had a similar experience. He claimed to have jumped off the bleachers so that he wouldn’t have to walk so far from car to school in the morning.
“But now both my legs are broken, and I can’t walk at all…let alone drive,” said Allen, accidentally rolling over the toes of several fellow students with his wheelchair.
The students in Allen’s path tried to avoid being run over, but were trapped in place by the usual crushing wall of bodies making its way slowly from Sparta to the building.
Recent reports confirm that WS will sell parking spaces to 65 applicant seniors selected by lottery.
When informed of this, Allen stared down at his broken legs and whispered, “What have I done?” He declined to comment further.