There’s a genocide being waged in the halls of West Springfield­ – carried out in broad daylight, backed by the faculty and executed by the students. Thousands have died, their bodies rotting in dumpsters behind the school.

Apples. Bananas. Oranges. They had mothers, friends, children. But now their once-succulent flesh is being devoured by flies and worms, disappearing into the refuse and soil, molecule by molecule.

WS students, unable or perhaps unwilling to rise above their reputation as fruit racists, and wholly lacking the ability to find joy in the edible little rascals’ wily shenanigans, have escalated existing racial tension by establishing a violent ritual, carried out each lunch in the cafeteria. The students, having previously ordered an entrée (which in most cases comes out of the ordeal having experienced the wonder of being eaten), pick a fruit from the cagelike plastic tubs in which they are held, giving the fruit false feelings of hope.

“Huzzah,” cheered one young apple, waving farewell to her family as she was hoist into the sky by junior Barty Williamson. “This wonderful young man is going to systematically tear off pieces of my flesh with his teeth before proceeding to dissolve them in intestinal fluids and finally expel them from his rectum! At last my life has meaning!”

But just seconds later, the apple-child’s dreams had been squashed, much as squash is occasionally squashed during Idaho’s annual Squash-Squashing Festival. That innocent little apple, subject to unfounded, hateful prejudice, never saw a tongue or an esophagus, let alone a rectum. She had been thrown away. Thrown away by a youth who never truly wanted her, who took her only because he was told to by an unfeeling lunchlady. He’d hardly taken ten steps from the cash register before tossing her without thought into a trash can. She died alone, separated from her family, dumped in the garbage with the filthy, degenerate likes of vegetables, which are without doubt the scourge of modern society.

The WS faculty has, as always, tried to use their perverted morality as a justification for the senseless slaughter taking place, claiming that they instituted the policy as an attempt to get students to make healthier choices at lunch, and not for the sake of sheer, unbridled sadism and hatred. But no one eats that fruit. It’s picked up and immediately thrown away, its life taken by the very humans it was born to please. Even the typically neutral trash cans are being roped into the conflict.

“I just, like, I can’t do anything, you know? I’m a trash can, I just sit here and destroy everything you put in me, so I feel really, just, violated. ‘Cause I don’t hate fruit, man, one of my best friends is fruit. I think the administration needs to rethink this whole thing,” said the trash can.