The best ticket of the year: Peter O’Toole 2023

Sophomore Peter O’Toole promises that if he becomes dictator of the Student Government Association (SGA), he would force his will unopposed.

Photo courtesy of Nat Phillips

Sophomore Peter O’Toole promises that if he becomes dictator of the Student Government Association (SGA), he would force his will unopposed.

The glorious sophomore Peter O’Toole claims he is destined to take control as a dictator and purge the government of its deceit in a time when the corrupt politicians of the Student Government Association (SGA) are refusing to do their duty to the great nation of Sparta. 

“I started this movement because I realized that the Student Advisory Council (SAC) and SGA are weak and inefficient due to them having to follow ‘moral’ and ‘democratic’ principles. I have always noticed that the SAC and SGA are always making the wrong decisions when it comes to running the school,” said O’Toole. “For example, during Homecoming, they focused more on decorating to make it a ‘fun’ environment for us, but failed to get adequate Welch’s fruit snacks for the school. I mean, how can anyone subsist without Welch’s?”  

O’Toole’s words bear much truth to them. How can we support the government when they are making poor decisions for the supposed sake of the students? 

After his rise to dictatorship, O’Toole hopes to enact sweeping changes to the student government. 

“I plan to implement my ‘Welch’s for all’ policy in which every student is entitled to Welch’s at any given point in a day. I will also ban all opposition [to my regime],” said O’Toole. 

In order to reach political harmony, a good populist dictator must ban all opposition parties, of course.                          

“I will also turn Homecoming into a holiday in which we celebrate my great rule and I,” said O’Toole. “All [will have to] attend and pay homage to me.”  

Since announcing his goals of an authoritarian takeover, O’Toole has already amassed several loyal followers such as sophomore Nat Phillips. Phillips was the regime’s first supporter and soon became the campaign’s lead spokesperson.

“[O’Toole] proposed the regime to me in advisory and I took interest,” said Phillips. “The guiding hand of Peter O’Toole, with the promise of justice to WS, was too good to pass up on.”    

As manager and owner of the Instagram page created for the campaign, Phillips works tirelessly to spread the good word about O’Toole’s upcoming election. The account has already amassed dozens of followers.  

“My role in the O’Toole regime is multifaceted. I am the official social media manager for sure. Leader O’Toole also seems to consider me a right-hand person of sorts in his power status,” said Phillips. 

Although overall support for their campaign remains low for now, O’Toole and Phillips are certain that support will grow over time. Looking to the near future, O’Toole hopes he can come through for Spartans so that they vote for him in upcoming elections.