The quarantine clean


Elizabeth Thompson

People search for sanitation products like these to fight the curve in their own homes.

Elizabeth Thompson, Scoop Editor

They say it supposedly began with a bat somewhere deep in China. Schools closed down, offices were closed, and everyone had to resort to online shopping. The future was uncertain, but one thing was apparent: society had snapped.

Almost immediately after the shutdowns, people’s primal instincts kicked in, and they resorted back to their primitive natures. Their first priority: not medicine, not clothing, shelter, or even food and water which became second in everyone’s minds, but hygiene. As peculiar as it sounds, when reviewing the circumstances of the situation, the reasoning is quite simple. Cooped up with your family for months, one is forced to endure the relaxed nature that is sure to follow from a loss of social life. Siblings who don’t change their underwear for a week. Children who refuse to take a shower. Even parents have grown accustomed to not changing out of their pajamas in the morning. Consequently, the demand for hygiene products is meant to scare away more than just the virus.

People around the U.S. sprint to the grocery stores where they vie for the coveted marked up packages of toilet paper and hand sanitizer. It is a matter of natural selection who makes it out with the prize. But be warned! Most of these people may resort to feral tactics from binging Tiger King. It is best to stand at least six feet apart.

The chaos has changed the dynamic of human interactions altogether. No one is safe anymore. Even a mask can’t protect you from the loss of civility plaguing the nation over the race for sanitation products, which causes many to wonder what the world will be like when this is all over. Will Bath and Body Works become a seller of luxury goods? Will toilet paper be sold behind glass cases like fine jewelry? Or will these items be rationed by the government? Our very real future sounds like a chapter taken from a dystopian novel. But one thing is for certain: you won’t see bats on the menu anytime soon.

*this article is meant to be satirical