As Tommy Tutone’s song “Jenny” suggests, restrooms have recently become a place for people to express their thoughts and feelings instead of relieve themselves.

“Jenny, Jenny, who can I turn to? You give me something I can hold onto. I know you think I’m like the others before, who saw your name and number on the wall.”

Most of the writing is anonymous and aimed at unnamed people, thereby making it completely pointless. Various initials are engraved on the stalls, with people professing their undying love for “JB” and “NC.”

News flash: nothing good will come of this. If you don’t want anyone to know about your life’s exploits, then don’t write it in a public place. If, however, your goal is for a clever classmate to figure it out, chances are this will never happen. Whoever wrote “tell her you’re a lesbian,” I hope you know that whoever this message was intended for will probably never see it, let alone heed your advice.

“I think it is just a stupid way for people to write down what they are afraid to say out loud,” said senior Moira Lennon.

For some unfathomable reason, girls seem to find pleasure in listing the most attractive guys in the school, as exemplified by the “hot guy list” that used to be in the bathroom in the foreign language hall, as well as the “hottest sophomore guys” list in the math hallway bathroom.

As one student so articulately wrote on top of said list, “WHO CARES?”

“Even though some of it is utterly stupid, some of it is extremely hilarious,” said junior Kyle Burnett.

One spiritual student wrote on a sticky note “You are a Buddhist. I am a Hindu. Let’s be friends? XOXO – Siddhartha.”

The problem with this message is that not only is Siddhartha Gautama not a Hindu, he is the Buddha. Unless at some point during his life the founder of Buddhism decided to denounce the religion that he spent his entire life trying to create, there is no reason why he would practice Hinduism. If you feel the need to reference historical figures, please make sure to do your research beforehand.

“It makes the bathrooms more interesting,” said senior Emily Cox. “When I’m having a bad day, I know there will be something written in a stall that will make me laugh.”

A certain student who believed she had the power to unleash the school basilisk wrote a word of caution in no less than three of the girls’ restrooms, warning students that “the Chamber of Secrets has been opened.”

To any and all enemies of the heir, I advise you to beware. And try not to hide in any bathrooms crying about petty insults, lest you be turned into a gloomy ghost doomed to haunt the toilet plumbing.

While some messages are amusing, please keep your pen to yourself. It is unnecessary and it makes our school look bad, not to mention it’s illegal if written directly on the stall. So don’t be like Jenny, and don’t write your phone number in the bathrooms for people to call for a good time. Just take care of your business, and go back to class.