Proceed with caution.

This will be the 1^st installment of my monthly advice column, so be warned, the advice is extreme, to say the very least, and should not be taken seriously.

I plan to address the random quandaries that are on everyone’s mind. But for now, I’m going to fill you in on how to write an advice column.

The first step is to pick a truly gnarly­—disclaimer: this is not my word and all rights of use go to UrbanDictionary.com—name for your column. You want readers to be drawn in, and by having a kick-butt name will encourage that. Not to mention that it just sounds cool.

After you pick the name of your column, ask around about people’s personal problems so you can “help” them. Then, proceed to put the details in a public forum, such as a newspaper, or online for everybody to read about (and don’t worry about the angry mob that comes after you, that’s just a formality).

Next on the list is to watch at least one episode of Oprah.

If you have to ask why you need to be watching Oprah, you shouldn’t even be writing an advice column in the first place because you’re obviously not soft enough for this vicious process.

If you can sit through an entire hour of Oprah, I applaud you, and onto your own advice column.

Before you begin, you need to set the mood. Personally, I think a little Celine Dion in the background does the trick, even turning down the lights and lighting a few vanilla-scented candles creates a peaceful spirit. All of this will help you channel your best advice for those tough questions you need to answer.

And last (and probably least) is actually answering the questions.

So there you go, your in-depth guide to all the advice-columnist secrets on how to write a spectacular advice column.

Did I mention this was my first column? Well, that’s not really the point.