With the help of the world’s first certified water sommelier Martin Riese, mainstream media is learning about the astonishing varieties of H2O beyond just tap and how little we know about the water we’re drinking.

Riese’s passion as a water sommelier echoes the duties of a wine sommelier: he distinguishes the unique and subtle flavors of diverse bottled waters and curates special menus that pair certain bottled water brands with foods. (To say water has no flavor would simply be an insult).

As it turns out, the “pure water” brands love to boast about is just about the most useless water that water can be. Riese makes it loud and clear on his TikTok profile and cameo on Netflix’s Down to Earth with Zac Efron (episode 2) that most bottled water is simply overprocessed, overpriced boiled and bottled tap water.

What matters about water is not alkalinity or pH, but rather the total dissolved solids (TDS) in the liquid; TDS are essentially the defining character of different waters and the way they interact with your body. TDS can refer to any solid, so in specific contexts, high TDS can be highly dangerous, but in the case of minerals, the more, the better. 

The higher the TDS level of a bottle of water, the stronger the taste of the water at the hands of those oh-so-sweet minerals; it causes some waters to be thicker, some to be more metallic, and others to be more naturally fizzy.

TDS levels can go up into the thousands, such as the German Gerolsteiner Sparkling water with an envious arsenal of minerals at a TDS of 2,500! Purified water is obviously the enemy, with minuscule amounts of minerals and electrolytes and a pathetic TDS range of about seven to 40. Rest assured, Riese does back the bougie FIJI as a stupendous water choice with a TDS level of 222.

Evidently, the holy grail of water lies in natural spring water, as electrolytes and minerals are naturally occurring in abundance within spring water; so, as Riese begs, do not fall for the trap of purified water brands stripping down H2O and then selling it back to consumers with the advertised “added electrolytes and minerals for taste.” Quite awkward, isn’t it. 

When the news was broken to senior and avid water drinker Johanna McPhail, she exclaimed, “To be quite frank, I am horrified and appalled. I feel swindled. Bamboozled. Got, even. As someone who drinks at least 4 liters of water per day, I like to know that I am doing right by my body, and if I am at a store and have to purchase bottled water, I would hope that the contents are going to justify the money and time spent getting them.”

Opt for the bottled mother nature-made spring waters that have diverse “flavor profiles,” as our savior sommelier puts it. Otherwise, you are just as well off filtering your own tap water at home instead of getting scammed in the store for a $2 TDS-less bottle of agua.

Since sleep, food, and water are the three most important factors for human survival, why not ensure that one of those three elements is as optimized as possible. The right kind of water is life-changing for the body and mind.

“Remember, water is not just water, my friends,” declares Riese.