DISCLAIMER: I was not under the influence of any sort of drug when writing this erratic column. When reading it, you may experience a similar affect to watching “The View”: repulsion and confusion.
When writing my column for the upcoming issue, this was not my initial idea. However, due to recent events, this is what I ended up writing: how to get swagger.
According to UrbanDictionary (already mentioned in my previous columns before, I know, but it’s enjoyable to read) swagger is defined as: “to move with confidence, sophistication and to be cool. Swagger is to conduct yourself in a way that would automaticaly earn respect.”
Oh yeah, I got swagger alright. It just comes out when I’m alone with my two cats eating Ben and Jerry’s on Friday nights. You know you want this swagger.
The ways to end up swagger-tastic include tons of concentration and dedication (wow, that rhymed).
First, you have to pronounce swagger by changing the ‘ger’ to an ‘gah’ sound. For example, “that girl is so fly, she must have lots of swagga’.” And just by enunciating it like that, you become super fly.
Next when getting your swagger on, make sure one of your legs falls asleep so that when you walk you have a smooth glide. This would be the walk of a person with lots of swag. If you are unable to get one of your legs to fall asleep, pretend to limp; it works just as well. But remember, don’t switch legs while doing your super-fly walk or you’ll just look ridiculous.
To go along with your slick walk, wear your pants down low, and when I say low, I mean low. Almost to the point where you’re waddling, but not so low that they impair the smooth stride you’ve already mastered.
Another thing to get down is the nod. One little jerk of the head and everyone will think you are extra fresh. To take it farther, pop your collar while doing the nod, it makes all the ladies swoon.
Since you’ve got too much swagger to call anyone by their actual name, it’s required that you start using nouns such as “bro,” “dude,” and “man.” For example, “hey man, that party was sick last night.”
And voila! There you have the strange but simple steps to get swagger. Also, my last piece of advice, act confident when showing off all that swagger, you’ve earned it after reading this painfully distorted column about it.
